They had entirely different responses, one sobbing quietly, the other remarkably calm – the mothers.
They were crying insistently and incessantly and with definite purpose – the patients.
The patients in both stories were newborns, one but a week old.
Brand new souls entrusted to brand new mothers.
New mothers who made good and sometimes preposterous decisions.
Decisions that would have unfortunate consequences.
Consequences that would involve – you guessed it – yours truly.
One would hope that the most serious calls would get the fastest response. But that’s not always the case. In fact in the forthcoming tales I was on scene in mere seconds, when the emergency was, well, not really an emergency.
Tale 1 – Good Judgment
I was literally sitting on my bike, talking on the phone, immediately outside the building wherein the emergency occurred. Lightning fast response, for an absolutely immaterial call. What a waste.
Murphy’s Law 1 – The Desperate and Needy 0
The beeper said:
2 Week old Baby – Miscellaneous medical problems – Ingrown Toenail.
I know – I did a double take as well – how could that possibly be true? Don’t ingrown toenails take weeks to develop and involve some fault on behalf of the subject, such as cutting too close?
I was on location before the mother had put down with Control.
Act One:
“Hello Madam – what seems to be the problem?” I asked the stoically calm [popover title=”Yiddish” trigger=”hover” placement=”top” text=”A Woman recovering after childbirth”]Kimpeturin[/popover].
“My baby had an ingrown toenail – treated several days ago by a podiatrist – and is now behaving curiously,” was the ‘matter of fact’ response.
Still no wiser – neither about the toe nor about the baby.
I asked the same question again, phrased differently – and got the same response, phrased differently.
Act Two:
Do a once over of the infant.
Get a comprehensive medical history.
Procure a complete set of vitals.
This was sure to uncover the underlying problem. But – it didn’t.
Act Three:
Pretend you understand the whole situation.
Make believe everything is under control.
Get the baby to a hospital.
Worked like a charm.
I had now been on scene for about 3 minutes when Unit #22 joined the baby shower, bearing a heavy EMT knapsack, instead of gifts.
“What’s going on?” he asks, breathless from the 2 flights and his decade seniority.
“Her baby had an ingrown toenail – treated several days ago by a podiatrist – and is now behaving curiously,” I repeat verbatim, with a hundredth of a tinge of sarcasm in my voice. #22 immediately knows what I am insinuating and takes the mothers side.
I could sense the speech coming. My mentor had lectured me tens of times on this matter. And so it begins…
“A Mother always knows best. If a mother says that something is wrong with her child, you have to trust her unconditionally, irrespective of your clinical findings!”
Aye Aye Captain.
Ambulance comes, transports mum and child, and, if you must know, there was something awry with the baby and she spent several days in hospital recovering.
From what? Only Mum knows.
Tale 2 – Bad Judgment
No I don’t normally sit around on my bike, on my phone, waiting for calls, but;
I was literally sitting on my bike, talking on the phone, immediately outside the building wherein the emergency occurred. Lightning fast response, for an absolutely immaterial call. What a waste.
Murphy’s Law 2 – The Desperate and Needy 0
The Beeper said:
1 Week old Baby – Miscellaneous medical problems – Too Relaxed.
I know – I did a double take as well – how could that possibly be true? Don’t mothers hope and pray that they give birth to children who remain calm and relaxed and sleep through the night?
I jog to the door of the building and meet the mother in the hallway coming towards me from her apartment located at entrance level. She hands me the baby, as is the custom in times of panic, and for good measure yelped “Help!”
I do a one second observation. Infant Conscious – Yes. Infant Breathing – Yes. Great; let’s move to the couch in the house please, its pitch black in the hallway.
Act One:
“Hello Madam – what seems to be the problem?” I asked the uncontrollably hysterical mother.
“My baby was crying, and so I gave her a few drops of ‘RELAX’ to calm her down,” she said between sobs.
“And…”
“And now she is too relaxed. Look at her, she is barely moving!”
Several Important Pointers:
- She was right – the baby was hardly moving. Not quite unconscious, but certainly dispirited.
- ‘RELAX’ is a herbal concoction so strong, it could make an elephant count sheep whilst lying wistfully on its back.
- The mother had given the newborn several drops of this innocent concoction in the hopes of having a quiet night.
- She would now not have a quiet night.
- I have a wild imagination, but could never ever make something like this up.
Act Two:
Do a once over of the infant.
Get a comprehensive medical history.
Procure a complete set of vitals.
Vitals were thankfully normal:
Pulse: 150
Sats: 97%
Respirations: 26
Blood Pressure: No chance on an arm that small
Act Three:
Baby is transported to hospital and makes complete recovery. No charges filed against the new mother. RELAX is pleased to learn that their product does indeed work, but adds a caution to the label:
“Not for use on Restless Newborns”
Always wanted to know how those absurd warnings get onto product labels?
Now you know!
Postscript
Not all Mothers always know best – but mine certainly does. Happy 27th Birthday Mum!